It has been 2 years, 8 month and 9 days since my husband lost his battle with his mind. I could see him falling off this cliff, as if he was falling backwards.  Staring into my eyes, farther and farther away he fell.  I tried to reach for him, but he didn’t want to grab my hand.  He just looked at me, as he kept falling.  Like he didn’t want help, that he was going to take the path paved by shame and loathing. It was easier.  The stress and secrets he kept never to be fully divulged.  Better left unsaid.  Self medicating.  Always going.  Kept his mind busy.  No rest.

2 Days ago I attended his close friend’s funeral.  Suffering from depression with an addiction, he accidently overdosed.  No, a real accidental overdose.  Through investigation when he was found, it was an accidental overdose.

Yes, we had 2 very beautiful children together.  A boy and a girl.  Such amazing gifts. However, they could not keep him from falling either.  See our mind’s health is just as important as our physical health.  There is no question.  But not everyone knows it’s ok to not be ok.  The embarrassment and shame that goes with a mental health status, just shouldn’t be.  For we are all little broken.  Broken pieces are what makes us human. There is no perfection to life.  There is no handbook for life.  It’s a process that is meant for us to live and learn.  No one person’s story is the same.  Life is a collaboration of different stories and story tellers.  This allows us to see all.  The opportunity to learn.

This is the beginning of stories from my life.  My story telling.  My thoughts to share, because I know I’m not alone.  Stories may have similarities, but they all end differently.

There is no handbook for this life. Create it as you go.

 

~Cari  9/9/2019